Pride (or the loss thereof.

I am letting go of my possessions and of my pride in them. I have put all my pride into my collections and what I have accumulated over the years and now they are all gone. I put so much pride in what I own that I have shut out many people.

I fear that if people really know how deep in shit I am and how full of shit I really am they will run away fast. Perhaps the truth is that I push people away before giving them a chance to accept me or reject me on their own.

Grok

Despite my lifelong admiration of the ability to grok I have come only close to that state only a very few times in my life. It is very difficult (close to impossible) to surrender my Control Center even to me.

Affection

If there is one thing that I crave in life, it is affection. Open shows of affection especially. Growing up I received very little affection from either of my parents, or my brothers. In my relationships with women, being openly affectionate has been my primary need.

I fell for Nancy, not only because she was my first date, but because she was affectionate with me on that 1st date. Mary Ann was also affectionate from our 1st date. Esther and I connected swimming nude. (which I saw as being a sign of mutual trust.

Pamela and I were both affectionate and sexually attracted to each other from the very start. Mary grabbed my arm on our first walk when we met.

I love, need, require, crave, am desperate for, yearn for affection, even more than sex.

In April I noticed I had a lump in my right armpit. I got an appointment with my Dr. and she refered me to a surgeon He ordered a needle Biopsy which was Inconclusive. After a second Biopsy he called and told me that I have Lymphoma a cancer of the Lymphatic system. Today 5/24/10 I saw an Oncologist who told me :

1) I have Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma Grade 1 or 2 (out of 3) which is considered "indolent"

2) The next step is to decide which stage it is. Further tests including a Bone Marrow Biopsy and a PET Scan. are needed to decide a course of treatment.

For more information go to these web pages:

http://www.webmd.com/cancer/non-hodgkins-lymphoma/understanding-non-hodgkins-lymphoma-basics

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/lymphoma/AN01209

Clumsy

Clumsy

All my life I have been labeled as being "clumsy." My Mother (the family historian) told me and the family that I "fell off my father's knee" when I was 6 month's old. As if I could do anything but be clumsy at 6 mo's old. Later when I was 4, I allegedly "fell off my tricycle" (she got a lot of chuckles with that one.) Under hypnotic therapy, I "remembered" the incident as a car pulling out of a driveway quickly and me sliding off my bike to avoid the car. After my hypnotic sessions I no longer believed my mother. I know that I have my share of balance problems, especially now that I am getting older and have Peripheral Neurophy. And do not consider my self clumsy.

Good Boy vs Bad Boy

I have found the little boy in me . The one who needs permission and approval. The one who still believes that being the Good Boy will bring me rewards and success. Of course as soon as I discovered Good Boy, I also discovered Bad Boy. who only wants to do what He wants to do and to Hell with what other people want (especially what they want from me.) Of course these are classic Perlsian Archtypes Top Dog vs Under Dog. Through most of my life the Good Boy has predominated, with the Bad Boy popping out usually in a passive-aggressive manner. Hopefully I can integrate the 2 and decide what I want irrespective of what others say, what approval they give or don't give.

Lifelong Lie

For many years I lhave denied that the many moves have had any effect.

In truth My many moves have left me feeling like a newcomer all the time. I feel that I don't know the rules and that others know all there is to know and won't tell me. "they" are out there having fun and celebrating because they know the the situation and each other. "They" are just waiting for me to screw up (which I do often enough) so "they" can laugh at me (behind my back of course) and critize me. Welcome to my private paranoid world.

Today in the Universe

Today is the anniversary of My late wife Pamela's death.

I have been feeling sad since yesterday.

Some say "passed"

I know she passed from this life on this planet.

But nobody knows where she passed to.

Many who knew her say that she passed to "Heaven" because she was a beautiful person who showered warmth, friendship, love and support where ever she went.

Our few fundamentalist friends are sure she is in hell because, not only did she not belong tp their church, she didn't believe in any religion or even in God. Yet she was a fundamentally good person.

Others just cherish their memories of her and all the wonderful things she did, and the greatness she radiated.

Me? I believe in reincarnation. I just hope she returned (or passed on to another planet) as someone who won't suffer her physical problems or limitations. The Buddhists believe that souls return to this world to meet different challenges than their past life. Pamela had enough physical suffering in this life.

The Universe is infinately vast and there are lot's of places for spirits to find a place for themselves. In Pamela's case, my hope is that she finds place where she can still spread joy and love without physical limitations.

The Hollow Man

One time in group with Natlie, I had a guided vision that I was working in and from my head. I left the controls and went to the hatch in the floor and went down the ladder in my neck. When I got to the bottom of the ladder my body was empty except for a minimal skeleton. hanging from a rib, I saw my heart swinging. I knew that even though I knew that I was a Hollow Man I had the capacity to love with all my heart.