A Tale of Mothers.

A Tale of Mothers.

My birth mother and I never really bonded. We were kept apart for the first few days of my life. She began to lose her hearing with my birth and always blamed me and found ways to blame me for all my problems and for many of my families. When my brothers came along I became the designated Authority over them and was frequently caught in the middle between rebellious siblings and demanding parents. My birth mother was a master of giving mixed messages and maintaining "ultimate plausible deniability". I left home when I was 20 and have rarely looked back.

My birth mother became increasingly paranoid as she grew older. The church above her house was secretly aiming their satellite dish at her and spying on her. Agents in Black cars were patrolling her street and slowing down in front of her house.

About 4 years ago, she went to the local Kaiser hospital and wanted to be admitted for vague and undefined symptoms. She was not a Kaiser member so they would not admit her. She went outside and fell down the stairs breaking her hip and causing other injuries. Kaiser did emergency treatment then transfered her to another hospital Going through her personal belongings, the hospital found that she had taken her savings book and the deed to the house with her. It was clear that she was not going home again.

My brother called me and I rushed to So. California to have a visit with her. None of the times I visited her in the rest-home was she awake and able to communicate with me. During my last visit just before returning to Northern California, I gave Mom permission to let go and assured her that we could take care of ourselves. Then I flew back north and my mother died the next day. My brothers were upset that I couldn't turn right around and fly back for her funeral. I had said my Good Byes.

The first substitute mother I had I found while I was in the Air Force in the late 60's early 70's. She was the mother of a large brood of children and a trained Gestalt Therapist. I joined her Training/Therapy group and later joined their family. Their home in Vacaville, and later Napa became a needed home away from home. Natalie and Tom (her husband and another trained Gestalt Therapist) were my family representatives when I graduated from college. This was a close and loving family and I enjoyed my time with them and grew immeasurably until they moved to Idaho. We then lost touch.

My next surrogate mother was my mother-in-law. She was warm, loving supportive and intelligent and so is her daughter, my wife. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with her and felt included in all aspects of her life and family. I was included and involved with all aspects of her final illness and death. She is still missed.

Was my birth mother a lousy mother or merely an overwhelmed and resentful one? probably the latter. However I do know that her shortcomings were hers alone for I have found other wonderful mothers to love and be loved by.

Patrick McManus The Man of Many Hats